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it’s been a little bit…

… since I’ve written to you guys. I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while, but I’ve been pretty caught up in a lot of different things (not all of them productive LOL).

I’m still working through that project for Adam and Dory. My process through the creation of the site has been a little all over. I’m jumping around to different sections all the time to keep the motivation up and not doing the same boring tasks all the time. Whether that be changing the layout of the design, building a bit more infrastructure, cleaning up old parts of the code, learning more how Shopify’s API works, etc. It’s been a fun learning process, and I’m so happy that I’ve had this opportunity.

The following week after my last post, I did end up heading to Minnesota for a few days to see my mom and stepdad. I hadn’t been home in a couple years, mostly of my own doing. Upon arriving, I got in contact with my friend Ryan who recently moved there to live with his wife, Anna. We were able to have a really excellent dinner, chat about life and just not think about the constant turmoil in my brain. This trip was exactly that; a break from being alone with my turmoil that is so hard to get away from. Since I’m the techy son and like to help when I can, I did spend some time helping my mom get a new printer set up. They didn’t think they could have one since they didn’t use their ANCIENT desktop computer. The main reason for setting this printer up was because I had previously mentioned to my mom that if anything were to happen to their place, that the HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of pictures that my mom has had developed over the years, would be lost. We spent some time going through old memories of when my siblings and I were young, and even further back to when she was young too! It was a great time. It did bring out a little sadness in me though. Just the remembering of when times were simpler… Holidays with cousins and family… Everything just felt so much easier then. A lot of these family members I haven’t talked to in years… But the happy memories captured in these photos will continue to live. She started scanning a lot of them while I was there, so that felt like a job well done.

After my five days in Minnesota filled with amazing food and good laughs, I came back home and was pretty beat by the day of travel… And then I got sick. OF COURSE, RIGHT? I’ve been spending the last week and a bit trying to recover from the cold that I’ve had. I’m at the stage where all the nastiness is just in my chest, constantly coughing to try and get it all out.

These days of being sick and physically drained are some of the worst days for my mental health. When you feel so bad already, you are so much more susceptible to getting caught in your own mind and feeling it come crushing down like your physical well-being. I’ve been trying my hardest to fill my time with as much pleasure: watching Critical Role, playing video games, finding cool videos to learn about new science stuff, or listen to Hank Green talk about random things that I should know. But even with all those distractions, those slimy tendrils of self-doubt and self-criticism can find their way in. I’ve been trying my absolute hardest to ground myself in reality and giving myself grace, but I’ll be stupid if I don’t say that if it wasn’t for my friends, I would be in such a worse place. Right before I sat down to write this post, Dory checked on how I was doing when she had woken up in the middle of the night for her in Scotland. I told her I hadn’t ate since 11am (and it was currently 10pm) and mentioned my brain had been braining again tonight. She remind me: “I hope you remember to give yourself some grace. and also, try a butterfly hug.”. I had heard of it before, but didn’t know what it was exactly. She gave me instructions, and it did help. “Grounding is a technique that is instilled in everyone and just needs some practice,” she told me. After a tumultuous night in my head, hearing this and being told that you’re loved… It really pulls you into where everything is true and right. Not the battlefield of our own minds, where it feels like we will never escape.

I’ll leave you with this; although I really don’t know what/where/who I’m looking for right now in my life, I know that I’m loved, that everything is going to be OK, and that I’m happy to be here. I’m reminded every day that my life is precious and although there will be pain, it’s worth seeing out to the other side.

Love yourself.

Thanks for being here.

-G